HOUSEWIFE 101

Thank you for attending The Penny Pinching Diva’s International Community College of Knowledge. Todays lesson is: HOUSEWIFE 101.

LESSON 01:

DO NOT tear up your things in a fit of anger.
If you just so happen to be angry at your significant other, or anyone in general, please DO NOT TEAR UP YOUR OWN THINGS in a bout of hissyfitness. Nine times out of ten, whatever you just broke, you will need sometime that same day. It does not matter if the last time you used said object was months ago, said object will be in demand that same day just because you broke it. If you just so happen to need said object, and become angry again because said object is now broken, please control your anger and don’t break anything else.

LESSON 02:

DO NOT cook if your mind is somewhere else.
If you are thinking about something else, and your mind has a tendency to wonder, please DO NOT ATTEMPT TO COOK ANYTHING. Period. The negatives always outweigh the positives. An entire pack of very expensive low fat maple cured smoked turkey bacon can be burnt to the point of no return. And no matter how hard you scrape the bottom of the honey butter biscuits you left in the stove, they still will taste burnt. The smoke from the burnt bacon will consume your house in a foggy haze that will burn the mess out of your eyes. And it will take forever for said smoke to clear your house. And even after the smoke has cleared and your eyes have dried, your house will still have the lingering smell of burntness.

LESSON 03:

DO NOT blame the wall for the reason why you ran into it.
A wall cannot move. No matter how much you try to rationalize it. If you so happen to run into the wall and stump your toe, DO NOT BECOME ENRAGED WITH THE WALL. It didn’t move two inches to the left to intentionally stump your toe. It did not make you turn the corner full force. It did not mean to chip the rest of the fingernail polish off of your toe. It did not laugh at you when you stumped your toe. (That laughing that you hear in the back of your mind is your subconcious having a good one on your stupidity.) So hitting the wall with your hand will do nothing but hurt the palm of your hand. And if you just so happen to run into the same wall on the way back to the livingroom, that is karma paying you back for hitting the mess out of something inanimate.

SUMMARY OF TODAYS LESSONS:
01. DO NOT tear up your own things.
02. DO NOT cook when you are angry.
03. DO NOT beat the mess out of your wall.

That is all for today’s lesson. Until we meet again.
~Shynea