TOUGH TIMES, TOUGH PEOPLE: I WAS ABUSED, BUT YET I SURVIVED
Everyone has a story to tell. I know that my story is not a story that I talk about all to often. Many people that are in my life today don’t know anything about my past.
I am a survivor of domestic violence.
For years I went through what some only see on tv or hear about on the radio. I lived my very own Lifetime movie, and I am one of the lucky few who survived. Not many women are so lucky.
Recently I received a comment on my website. Instead of paraphrasing it, I will quote it word-for-word on here:
Congratulations on your healthy family. You seem to be sensible when it comes to saving $ and I appreciate this website. But, my question is why aren’t you married? 4 kids and you guys are STILL engaged? Going to the justice only takes a few dollars. I’m just saying, what if you find yourself alone, you can’t get alimony to take care of yourself. You’re home, not earning an income and dependent on someone who is NOT your husband to survive at this point. How do you feel about that?
Although I know I don’t have to explain myself to anyone, even the rude people who leave comments such as the one above, I still would like to say my piece.
I was married before. I imagined that it would have been something out of the movies. I thought I would be swept off of my feet and that I would live happily ever after. None of that came to pass.
Instead I was beaten and abused, both verbally and physically, for years. Five years to be exact. I was punched, bit, kicked, slapped, stepped on, thrown into walls and told for the longest that I would never amount to anything. That no one would ever, or could ever, love me.
For years I let that be my food. I fed into the lies and the confusion that he gave me because I didn’t think any different about myself. With my self esteem already being so low at this point, his words became my truth. I knew no difference, and so I stayed. I stayed and let my sons watch me get hurt. I stayed and let them listen to his words. I stayed because overall I felt like I had nowhere else to go.
Then one night I knew that it was either my life or my freedom. I almost died. He almost killed me, and my sons almost watched. I knew that enough was enough.
After being so broken for so long I mustered up enough strength to leave.
When I left I only took the clothes on my back. Literally. I had nothing to show for five years of my life. But I was happy. I felt free. After years of hearing the threat of “I’ll kill you if you ever leave me,” I left and I have never looked back since then.
For months after that it was a struggle. I had a small support system and on most days I felt like I couldn‘t make it. Like I wouldn‘t make it.
But I did. And three and a half years after the fact I am a testimony. I am a survivor. I know that I am one of the lucky women who get out of an abusive relationship safely.
You see, I don’t owe anyone an explanation to why I am not married, or why I haven’t made my way to the “justice.” I know that I am in a happy and stable relationship regardless of what others on the outside may think. The statements from the comment above obviously came from someone who didn’t take the time to look around my site and get to know me a little bit better.
If I do find myself alone, I will be able to take care of not only myself but my children. Alimony has never been a thought in my mind, and the fact that it was assumed that I am not earning an income is just that, an assumption.
I am a survivor and always will be. That is how I feel about that.
I got the chance to review a book. I have be a long time fan of the Chicken Soup for the Soul book series, so when I was given the opportunity to read the Tough Times, Tough People series I was excited.
Although my story didn’t grace their pages I am letting it grace my website in hopes that I can be the voice of reason for someone who is currently going through an abusive relationship.
I have four copies to give away. If you have a Tough Times, Tough People story to tell of your own, please share it in the comments. Your words may be encouragement for someone else.
Cassandra (7)
Liz (6)
Dawn (Painter Mommy) (5)
Heather (4)
K.O. (4)
I have the chills right now. I’m sad to say that you and I share the same story, mama. I wish that wasn’t the case. I went through two separate relationships for a total of 8 years dealing with the physical and mental abuse. I was fortunate to have a happy ending as well but it was a long and painful road to get there. One day I will share my entire story with you and the readers. It’s painful to talk about it but I think it’s necessary. Like you, I think maybe someone who is going through it or has gone through it needs to hear our stories in order to get out of it or heal. And for that person who commented on your marital status. It’s okay. You know who you are and you fought long and hard to let a comment like that affect you. It’s not worth it. I was with my husband for many years before I was able to trust my self to settle down with him. I was afraid and fearful that his “true side” would come out. He had to have a lot of patience with me because I was scarred and we both had struggles but got through it and I’m glad we did because now we have a beautiful son to show for it. I am so glad you brought up this topic because it is so important for us to talk about.
Let me just leave you with this Bible passage that helped get me through a lot of those rough days:
2 Corinthians 12:10
That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Stay strong all my mamas out there and reach out to us if you need someone to talk to. We are here for you!
With all my mami love,
Jennifer
hey girl I’m sorry people are making assumptions of you i guess thats just what happens when you start getting famous! i am proud of you for leaving your ex-husband and am so happy you have met a good man and you are right you are one lucky/blessed momma to have gotten out i have heard some horrible story’s from my mom she works with teens and most are comming out of abusive homes
Hello all!
I am GLAD you posted this part of yourself so we readers can share this part of your life with you. Im sorry you endured that for so long, but Im not sorry you went through it. It has made you the person you are today. Strong, happy, successful (I found you in this months ESSENCE with sexy Idris on the cover), and let me say this again HAPPY!!! I may not know you personally, but I want to give you a big hug and say I love you!
*Youve inspired a blog** lol
Women why must we think that marriage completes us or completes a relationship. Why rush? This is WHY women get caught up or trapped in an unhealthy marriage. TAKE YOUR TIME!!! God blesses us and we KNOW when its time! Women have to be strong for one another instead of passing judgement. As IF, Miss Penny Pinching Diva needs a husband to complete her. Girl, Im happy youre happy and successful. Everything else will come when the time is right.
and for the commenter- Im glad you know SO MUCH about her life lol! I hope you’re happily married and pay attention to your own life. Please be aware that if you divorce, youre not ALWAYS granted alimony and being married and dependent on your husband will result in the same consequences if he divorces you. Miss PP DIVA can support herself and her kids with or without a husband. THANK YOU
Ladies let this be an example of how we judge people and dont know their story and PLEASE married or NOT have your own Da** money.
Shynea, we’ve had this conversation before… but reading it here was tough, even with me already knowing your past struggles. *hugs* You are one of the strongest women I’ve ever known. I’ve been so blessed to have you in my life and {with my mushy, gushy self} I’ve told you before how thankful I am for our friendship. Now, I will tell you how thankful I am that God protected you through all the things you went through. I cannot imagine experiencing those things, but you overcame them and didn’t give up on yourself or on your children by dying to your situation. You’re right; a lot of women aren’t so lucky.
You’re an awesome woman, an inspiration and a blessing to those lucky enough to call you “friend” … Never in my life have I met anyone I have had so much in common with – or been able to laugh with and talk to as I have with you. Shy, as if I’ve never said this before {haha} don’t EVER let anyone question you – or cause you to question – your character, your judgment calls, or your decisions regarding your family. Someone who feels they are in a position to judge your situation from the outside looking in isn’t worth your concentration. Your focus is exactly where it needs to be – on your children… and on doing everything you can to make life a little easier for those around you.
I love you like a sister… and again, I’m so thankful that you’re in my life *HUGS*
AND TO THOSE LEAVING THESE RUDE COMMENTS {because this isn’t the first one – only the most recent}: If you have a problem with how someone else is living, that’s YOUR problem. Shynea works tirelessly to publish quality content to PennyPinchingDiva.com DAILY – if she’s not posting on the front end, she’s working to improve something on the backend… and it’s not for her own sake, but for her readers because she enjoys them and appreciates them and wants to give them useful information to help them live better and save money in an economy where everyone seems to be grabbing for pennies and hoping for the best when their chips fall.
To assume you know someone else’s life is IGNORANT and to have the nerve to come out and QUESTION someone else’s living arrangements having NO prior knowledge about their situation is RUDE and quite frankly, none of your business. For the record, there are married people who end up divorced within 6 months… and there are people who never ‘tie the knot’ who end up staying together for life. As she already said, she owes no one anything – no explanation about her decisions, no action on her part to appease the self-made interviewers posting their challenge questions on her comments… but please believe – being an ‘at home’ mom doesn’t mean NOT earning an income. And in closing, if the only reason someone decides to get married is for financial ’stability’ and/or looking forward to collecting alimony ‘if’ the marriage is dissolved, *speechless* … you can count on that ‘marriage’ not lasting very long – at all. {stupid}
Sorry this was so long. But, honestly – it could have been much longer. People, seriously… you never know what’s going on in someone else’s life, so don’t make yourself look like a high-horse-riding idiot by assuming that you do and questioning someone else’s choices. Yes, that DOES say idiot. Take it how you wanna take it. You know what they say – ‘if the shoe fits’ …
Kat @ For the Love of Chaos | http://www.SenileMOMentia.com
I have enjoyed other Chicken Soup books and would love to read this one. Reading real stories of people overcoming challenges is always inspiring. Everyone has a story to tell that can inspire others.
Shynea:
Good for you. I am proud of what you do. You have inspired me in many ways. I have known your family for many years and comments like that make me mad.
Keep your head up and keep doing what you are doing. I am very proud of you for addressing this rude comment but like you said you should not have to.
Karla
Thank you for sharing your story! Just like the first commenter, we have the same story. I would like to be able to tell you about it but I feel the tears swelling up in my eyes already so I’ll save that for another day. (Can’t have my co-workers looking at me like I’m crazy. lol)
I just wanted to thank you for opening up to your visitors.
Shynea, I just want to say I have TEARS in my eyes right now. I was so moved by what you shared on this blog. Abuse is such an ugly and degrading tool used by Cowards. I have not suffered the type of abuse that you have, however, for several years in my past I have been a victim of abuse. It is not always an easy thing to get over and through, and many of the emotional scars stay for a lifetime. You should keep doing You and let these “haters” be your motivaters. You ARE a survivor, and so are all the rest of us Who said “NO MORE.”
p.s. The rude comments on blogging really must stop. If it is not encouraging or upbuilding then please dont say it. (Phillipians 4:8)
While I have not been in an abusive relationship. I am so happy you posted this so other women can be empowered. I salute your being able to make the move and also being able to move on.
Kudos to you
N.B. It is interesting that from such a negative comment you could share such a story with a positive ending.
Keep doing what you do.
God Bless
Shan
jamaicanmommies.blogspot.com
I too went through the same thing. For 4.5 years I went through this until I got the courage to leave, because one of us was going to die. Him or Me. And I had kids to worry about. I also didn’t want them to grow up thinking that was okay. So I went to a shelter, and it’s been 10 years. I didn’t graduate high school, but after I left him, I got my GED, began college, and now I work full time on an Army base and I have a clearance. I have 3 kids and I’m not married and I could care less when and where I do get married again. I take care of myself and my kids and I don’t need anything else.
Sorry someone left you that comment. I read your blog but didn’t know you weren’t married, and frankly, that’s none of my business.
I admit I asked you why you weren’t married, but not for the same reasons, I was thinking of Biblical reasons, however in your case I understand. You are a strong woman, you inspire me and I’m proud to call you my friend. God bless you today!
Gurrrrrrrrrrrrrlllllllll, who left that comment for you?!?! Ugh. I try to see the best in people but come on, you don’t do that. I am a casual reader of your blog and I know you better from the TweetChats, but you have always been nothing but positive and helpful and kind and generous. No one needs to be slinging mud your way. No one. *hugs*
I’m glad you spoke out about your story, but I just wish it wasn’t so common. Instead of being shocked, I’m just like, “Aww, man, her too?” We gotta do something with the next generation of little boys and girls. Tell these little boys the proper way to express frustration and anger is not through their fists, but their voice. Tell little girls that love is pure and non-physical.
Like so many other ladies speaking out here, I was also abused. It took me a very long time to admit that because I grew up fighting, literally. I never lost a fight until my ex-husband smashed in my face and nearly killed me. Every once and a while, I get a reminder of how lucky I am to be alive. Other women, many others, have not been so fortunate. My oldest daughter, who was five at the time we divorced, remembers some of the incidents and it had a lasting effect on her. As a result, she did some volunteer work in Oakland for women who are trying to re-connect with their children after being convicted of felonies. The number one reason why they were incarcerated? They were abused, and terrified of their abusers. Some of them killed in order to get out. Now they are prison, without their kids. Others did whatever the men told them to do–they robbed, sold their bodies, passed bad checks, sold drugs, etc. And they are in prison, without their children.
I had to fight the tears as my daughter told me those stories. That could have very easily been me. God delivered me from that fate, and even though it was financially, emotionally and physically difficult at times, I got to LOVE, be with and raise my kids. And I did it without fearing the wrath of an insanely violent man.
I wrote a blog about my former abusive marriage, which you can access by clicking on my name. If you scroll down to the archives and click on March 2009, you can (again) scroll down to the article I wrote on March 6, 2009 called “Take him back? Rianna’s crazy!” (I misspelled Rihanna’s name.)
I hope no other woman has to go through situations like these again. But then again, I know that it happens more often than not.
Just want to say that I’m proud of you. I’ve seen domestic violence in my family, and though it wasn’t first-hand, it hurt and it has shaped my perspective on relationships in many ways. Again, I’m proud of you for doing the brave and scary thing; leaving! You are not only a survivor, you are a messenger that there is light on the other side of the fears that come with deciding to leave. GOOD FOR YOU, Shynea!!
Shynea,
You are a brave soul and a good person. I don’t know you personally but from the above responses you are loved. We have exchanged emails and from day one, I knew you had a good heart. Stay strong and don’t let comments like this get to you. Folks can be down right mean and insensitive. Misery loves company. Instead of applauding you for your great accomplishments and good deeds they focus on the negative.
You are doing your thing and unfortunately more of the negativity will come. Baby girl, you are a success!!!!
Keep up the good work!
When I first read about your website on essence I wondered the same concerning the comment made about why aren’t you married with four kids. When it comes down to it its really none of anyone’s business but at the same time in God’s eyes as well as in the long run and for your sons’ sake its best to be married. I was in a similar sitation in an abusive marriage and now with someone different with three kids. In other words I don’t think the person was trying to be rude when they left the comment but simply being real with you! I like the site and keep up the good work but always remember you have to look out for your kids as well as yourself!
I don’t want the book (only cause I have one sitting right here that I am reviewing) but do want to thank you so much for sharing! My past wasn’t as bad as yours but I’m sure if I stayed longer it would have been! You are a strong woman & ppl are jerks. Keep your head up & keep on keepin on
Why do people always want to know the nosiest things about our personal lives. LOL. I also get some off color comments but I view it as a chance to share and educate. Wanting to re-educate people has motivated me in unexpected and creative ways. I see it has done the same for you.
Being a survivor of domestic violence makes you a powerful person. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. As a fellow single mom (by choice) I want to say… your main concern is keeping yourself healthy and your family happy and safe. Chin up and keep blogging!
I too believe you are strong; especially to have survived an abusive relationship. It takes a whole lot of courage to did what you did.
With that said, I would be lying to you if the thought didn’t cross my mind as to why you weren’t married yet, but its none of my business so I don’t dwell on it. I’m not judging; just telling you my observation.
I just want to let you know you are as inspirational as Oprah may god be with you on your journey.
Incredible story. Thank you for sharing.
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.”